I’m currently midway through my 2nd gap year after my A levels. My first gap was not very eventful and I plan to make my 2nd gap year many folds more meaningful! As an obliger (Read The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin), I decided to create this blog to document my gap year self-discovery journey! Read on and Enjoy!
I’ve never been more lost and confused before for a whole year in 2020. It did not pan out the way I expected it to be. These are the reasons why:
1. I let my negative thoughts cloud my thinking and actions.
I reacted more often than taking action. It could be the way I was brought up and how I learnt through modelling how others reacted to get the things they desired. Our environment and people we surround ourselves with will really make a huge impact on our character. Innately, I let my emotions control me negatively. I react emotionally rather than being proactive to make my dreams or goals a reality. I remembered how I would spend so much time lying in bed scrolling through my phone and overthinking whenever things did not go as planned. Minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days. Days turned into months. It was until it affected my sleep, relationships and general mood that I decided to seek help. I sought advice from my sister and decided to leave my job for a change and that started to piece my mental and physical health back together.
I’ve always wanted to be a veterinarian since I was 8 or 9 years of age (I will be sharing more in the future). It has been a huge motivating factor for me to do well in school, especially for math and sciences, with no pressure from my parents at all but pressure on myself to do well. I remembered how, when I was just 10 or 11 years of age, I would beg my parents to buy me 10 different schools’ past year papers for each subject for my own homework in preparation for PSLE. This goal has guided me to do well in secondary school and decently well in junior college.
However, while applying to the different vet schools and getting offers, I found out that due to my family’s financial circumstances and the Covid-19 situation(which affected my dad’s income), I am unable to fund my UK/Australia vet school studies. I had to reject all my vet school offers which was a great blow to me emotionally. I was really lost and confused. I reacted to this negatively which really affected me emotionally. I lost motivation to do well at work as a veterinary nurse and basically was wasting my off days overthinking and being unproductive. It was until I found an opportunity to volunteer with Embrace Autism Singapore(under the Son Rise Program) thanks to one of my friends I met from volunteering at a horse stable. One extremely life-changing takeaway I had since I started volunteering is this:
We always forget the missing link as to why we would react a certain way. We link stimulus to response. I mean that was what had been taught to us in the classroom, learning about the stimulus and response theory, so we apply it in our daily life. I used to always say, “You did this and you are MAKING me angry.” or “Stop MAKING me upset!” Well…Nobody can MAKE you angry or upset. The crucial and often unspoken link is our belief. It is how we perceive the stimulus to be. When a person raises a criticism of us, we can choose to believe that that would make us stronger mentally to achieve greater things or we can choose to believe that the criticism is true. There are a hundred ways to perceive a situation and many ways to respond. It takes practice to actually incorporate this into our daily life, but I’m getting the hang of it and I’ve been pretty happy the past few months regardless of how lost I am or what others say or do.
The next time a person makes a comment that you would instinctively react negatively, before you show your reaction (emotions or actions), take a moment to find that link as to why you are feeling a particular emotion or why you are about to behave a certain way. For me, I had no issue using this technique in the Son-Rise Program playroom, I usually have no judgments towards the boy and rarely felt uncomfortable with his actions. So I decided to practice this at home. I thought, if I could be non-judgemental towards a boy with autism, why couldn’t I be non-judgemental towards my family member? After some time, I realised the reason for it — I had a certain expectation of my parents and sisters. It could be as small an action as my sister leaving a cracked egg on the floor and I accidentally stepped on it. I was furious when it happened and raised my voice at my sister. After being introduced to the idea of the linking belief, I realised the reason for my reaction. I had an expectation/belief that my sister was able to clean the mess up immediately which would have prevented me from stepping on the raw egg. But I could have changed my belief by believing that her hands were probably occupied which caused her to drop the egg in the first place and couldn’t clean up immediately. Though it is an assumption, it would have prevented me from reacting negatively.
I applied this concept when I decided to take another gap year due to financial reasons. I used to think that taking more gap years would mean I am taking a much longer route to be a vet and have a shorter time being a practicing vet, and that I was ‘lagging’ behind my peers(which was totally a typical Singaporean mindset – to graduate fast and get a decent job). As I practiced this concept more frequently, I started to change my mindset to think taking another gap year actually brings so much more to me, such as more time to save money, learn new skills, take up new hobbies and build my platform! My mantra in life is to enjoy the process and live in the present. It is not about how fast we reach our goal but how much fun we had in the journey.
2. I was comparing myself with my peers way too much.
At 19 years of age, all my female friends at least (males had to serve their national service) were already in university, either in the course they love or in a course that would open them up to many decent paying job opportunities.They were making many new friends and seemed to be living the best time of their life. I did tell myself that was not what I wanted. I wanted to be in a course which I was passionate about. However, at the same time, I was always doubting my decision, whether it was practical and worth all the time, effort and money. I applied to universities in Singapore and questioned my decision of rejecting the offers. I did think why not just take the easy way out, get into a decently competitive course in Singapore’s university, graduate and start working. Eventually, I just felt that continuing on this path to be a veterinarian was something I would feel the least regretful in the long term.
We can compare ourselves with many people for many different things. We compare with others the things we do not have and we forget to appreciate the things that we have which others do not. Each of our lives are different, we are gifted with different abilities and circumstances, which lead us to different opportunities and paths in life. The best way to lead the best and least regretful life is to share your work, talk to people, build a community, embrace as many opportunities as possible and take action.
3. I was way too focused on 1 thing — applying to vet school.
Being too focused on 1 thing which I couldn’t really make much of a change to really clouded my mind to do greater things. I wanted to get into a vet school but it was just not financially possible for me. By the end of my 1st gap year, I was burnt out.
After my A levels, instead of enjoying my well-deserved freedom from one of the most hellish 2 years of my life in junior college, I was in the library preparing for my interviews and Multiple Mini Interviews (MMIs) for my UK vet school applications. I felt motivated, I had an aim which was to do well for my interviews and achieve my lifelong dream to get into vet school. Although it was motivating, I realised it was motivating only if my efforts paid off and I got into vet school. I went for the interviews and got accepted to 2 UK schools, and 2 Australian schools. Basically, throughout my 1st gap year I was just focused on vet school applications, preparing for the interviews, redefining my personal statement, reapplying to more vet schools (to give me more options I could choose from which is the most financial possible for me), and appealing my case for a deferred entry to have more time to work, save up and get loans (but to no avail as I had to still pay the $10k non-refundable deposit to secure my place). Eventually, due to my family’s financial circumstances, I had to reject all 4 offers. I spent yet more time researching other pathways to become a veterinarian and trying to find funding for my vet school fees. I had no hobbies whatsoever except spending time volunteering. And my daily mood was always depressed and stressed. There was less and less fire and motivation in me to pursue this path and I really felt like giving up. But there are so many more things that I could be doing to enjoy the process of reaching my dream.
At the start of this year, I took up photography and photo editing and I never imagined that I would like it. I have not been fully committed to it yet but it has clearly allowed me to keep my mind off my negative thoughts. It made my outings with my friends and family more memorable. It allowed me to appreciate nature and my surroundings more.
These were the first few pictures I took of my cat using my DSLR (thanks to my sister for donating it to me!). Keeping these here just for memories sake, to look back at how amatuer I am. But for now I’m proud of these pictures though it may look like I used a phone camera. I’ll be sharing more of my shots in future posts! My main focus would be street photography, appreciating the simple things and nature around us which we take for granted.
I also took up rollerblading in July and since then I have been rollerblading 3 times a week, made some new friends and joined a community of rollerbladers! Being outdoorsy, I love how rollerblading encourages me to get out of my house more often, to appreciate nature and at the same time learn a new skill and make new friends.
I started to learn other skills such as coding, investing and playing the ukulele. All of which really keep my mind engaged and cognitively stimulate different parts of my mind. Even though I may not be very good at any of it yet, I believe that when the time comes and I need to make any of my skills financially sustainable, the start would be less intimidating and challenging for me.
4. Due to the pandemic, I wasn’t able to fulfil my gap year bucket list which was to volunteer overseas solo.
I’ve always wanted to plan and go for an overseas volunteer trip since I went on one during junior college. It was one of the best times of my life. I experienced living in a village on a hill with no electricity, teaching children simple English and Mathematics and repainting a part of the school. Living a few months away from the comfort of my home country would really allow me to seek independence, appreciate the little things that I’ve been blessed with my whole life, and contribute to a larger community. The benefits are endless. I was in the midst of planning for it but Covid-19 struck. However, when 1 door closes, another opens. I found the time to volunteer at a horse stable and cat shelter and currently with a boy with autism under the Son Rise Program. I’ve learnt so much, especially large animal handling skills, game planning and being open to showing my enthusiastic energy while volunteering(basically being confident not awkward). If you are also planning for a trip like this, I believe starting small and close to home would probably prepare us better when the opportunity to volunteer overseas comes in the future. It is so that we would not make any major regrets when the important time comes.
Crediting these photos to one of my teachers who went on the trip with us for taking such amazing shots!
5. I did not make use of social media the right way.
I used to spend hours just scrolling through my Instagram feed, clicking past Instagram stories then going on YouTube watching videos after videos on my recommendations, then closing the app and going on Instagram again. The vicious cycle continues for hours, then days then weeks and months. I consciously know that it was unproductive time spent but it gave me pleasure — but temporarily. I would feel really guilty afterwards. I would try to get out of the house by asking a friend out but again I would feel guilty because I thought I could be doing something more productive at home.
Only towards the end of 2020 that I started to come across meaningful platforms of inspiring people who are just sharing and putting their work out there on youtube, social media or books. They mainly focus on productivity, habits, minimalism and business. Being exposed to their contents, I was introduced to many books and started on my book reading habit. I’ve watched countless videos and read quite a few books which are making little but impactful changes in my life. Changes such as starting this blog, building on my daily good habits, decluttering, investing and finding hobbies. I would not have made these changes if I was just scrolling through my instagram feed looking at unproductive contents. Now instead of scrolling on my instagram feed and watching videos on youtube for hours, I would spend the time reading or watching educational videos on youtube of people sharing book summaries or their productive habits.
So that’s why I’m here trying to find a place on this infinite internet space writing and putting my work out there (credits to ‘Show Your Work” by Austin Kleon). I need to start making good use of such a powerful tool that I’ve taken for granted for so long.
“Be ambitious. Keep yourself busy. Think bigger. Expand your audience. Don’t hobble yourself in the name of “keeping it real,” or “not selling out.” Try new things. If an opportunity comes along that will allow you to do more of the kind of work you want to do, say Yes. If an opportunity comes along that would mean more money, but less of the kind of work you want to do, say No.” – Austin Kleon