Doesn’t becoming detached from your identity seems like we have no purpose or drive in life?
When I was attached to the identity (or goal or image, whatever you may want to call it) of being a vet, I was so up tied, easily stressed, frustrated, disappointed or upset when things did not go as planned. I forgot to appreciate the fun of the process, the joy of being a vet nurse, the impact I could make.
What about the animal right in front of me? How can I help it feel more comfortable? What about the pet owner right in front of me? How can I help him/her feel more understood? How can I make a difference in their lives in that very moment? I didn’t realise my strength, ability and power I have in that moment to make a difference.
In actuality, there’s no identity to uphold. Many people paint an image of themselves, being attached to that image and trying to carve that image of themselves for others. But in the eyes of every other person whom we may know will each have a different interpretation us. So there’s no point in being attached to an identity. If we think about it, it is just an illusion that we have of ourselves.
What is detachment?
According to its definition on dictionary, it is the “state of being objective or aloof”. However, there’s some misrepresentation when the word “aloof” is used, which means being unresponsive. But being detached doesn’t mean being unresponsive, uninvolved or disinterested.
It means having no “I”, “me”, “mine”, in any situation, person, item etc. When we put detachment into context, it means having no form of reaction (or attachment) to any situation. Seeing the situation/person/item as it is (the reality of the moment), not what we want it to be. Instead, responding in the most appropriate way possible, not expecting a certain outcome or result.
This quote sums it up beautifully:
“Detachment is not indifference. it is the prerequisite for effective involvement. Often what we think is best for others is distorted by our attachments to our opinions. We want others to be happy in the way we think they should be happy. It is only when we want nothing for ourselves that we are able to see clearly into others needs and understand how to serve them.”
~Mahatma Gandhi
Why do we have attachment?
Ego —> attachment
Have you heard of the “spotlight effect”? It is a phenomenon where people tend to overestimate how much others notice aspects of one’s appearance or behavior.
I have to admit that, previously (before knowing about detachment), I’ve personally experienced this phenomenon, ALWAYS. I’ve always wondered why this phenomenon exists.
After finding out about detachment, I finally figured it out. Won’t the spotlight effect not exist if we just become detached from our appearance, behaviour or image/identity? It was a moment of epiphany.
And attachment starts with ego.
From the moment we’re born, our ego begins to develop. Everything we are and everything we identify with forms our ego. Our nationality, name, roles, goals, beliefs, job status, possessions, appearance and many others… all these form our identity. We accumulate all this information through our memory and turn this into our “self”.
What are we attached to?
We are attached to our roles, goals, abilities, job status, money, possessions, appearance and many others. Everything that forms our identity. Basically, we are attached to our identity. Everything that forms “I”, “me, “mine”.
We can even be attached to a moment of the past. For example, I could be attached to this beautiful moment I had in Sapa, Northern Vietnam, sitting on a swing and gazing out with such a picturesque view of the golden rice fields against the brilliant red and orange sunset sky.
5 Steps
To be detached from your identity
1. Observe your mind (and body)
Be aware of your thoughts, emotions, sensations (if you’re a Vipassana meditator). Observe equanimously — no reaction, judgement, craving or aversion.
You can be aware that you’re frustrated, but don’t be frustrated at your frustration, don’t hate it or despise it. If not, you’re just amplifying it.
2. Be aware of your core values — moving-away and moving-toward values
a. Write them down
Some examples of moving-toward values are love/warmth, health/vitality, honesty, intelligence, learning, contribution, creativity. Some examples of moving-away values are guilt, confrontation, regret, humiliation, failure.
b. Prioritise them according to its importance in your life
c. Just be aware, not attached to your values
Values are a lot broader than things that make up your identity. Of course, I’m not saying that you should be detached from your identity, just to be attached to your values. That would be plain sabotage.
Eg, daughter/son, sister/brother, friend make up your identity, but LOVE/WARMTH makes up the value behind these identities. Notice how the value of love/warmth can transcend across all aspects of your life, regardless of identity. That’s the beauty of being aware of your values.
Being clear about your values can help you to be less attached to your identity. And yes, do not be attached to your values. Understand that your values are merely guides in your life, it can still change over time. So it’s good to review your values at least once every year.
That’s how people get caught up in a rat race, wanting for more. Because even after reaching a goal, they ask themselves: “I’ve reach it, so that’s it? There should be more.” They celebrate for some time (and realise how short-lived it is) before chasing yet another goal. They have just forgotten to enjoy the process. What this phenomenon? It’s ego-feeding. HAHA yes I’ve just made this name up.
3. Ask yourself if you’re acting or making a decision because of ego or your core values
A guiding question can be: Are you enjoying the process?
That’s how people get caught up in a rat race, wanting for more. Because even after reaching a goal, they ask themselves: “I’ve reach it, so that’s it? There should be more.” They celebrate for some time (and realise how short-lived it is) before chasing yet another goal. They have just forgotten to enjoy the process. What this phenomenon? It’s ego-feeding. HAHA yes I’ve just made this name up.
4. Meditate
You can start with 10 minutes of guided meditation, then 20, 30… consistently (daily if possible). If you can do 30 minutes, BRAVO to you! That’s when you should start looking at learning the proper techniques of meditation, which will bring you to a whole new level.
I started with 2 minutes, which could only get better from there. HAHA.
I’m in no position now to teach you the proper technique of meditation but I strongly recommend that you attend a 10 days Vipassana meditation course (available in SO MANY countries! Go check it out!). It is life-changing in so many ways.
With meditation, you’ll slowly experience your ego dissolving, you start reacting less and responding more positively and selflessly. It’s something that must be experienced, not explained.
This whole article may not even be relevant the moment you experience this ego dissolving wisdom through Vipassana meditation.
5. Embrace uncertainty
Understand that everything is impermanent, nothing lasts forever. And everything is out of our control, nothing is certain. As we realise that everything comes and goes, gained and lost, we’ll start to understand that there’s no point in being attached to anything that makes up our identity. Only when we start to embrace uncertainty, can we be open to all possibilities.
Ending words
Lastly, be patient with yourself. Don’t expect that you’ll be detached just by reading this, in fact, you are already attached to the outcome of becoming detached! How ironic is that!
Everyone starts somewhere. You may go back to your old habit pattern of your mind and start becoming attached to something. But as long as you realise it, you’re on the right path! Congrats!
Start small.
Go slow.
Never decide to give up.