In every moment, we are in the midst of an action or reaction — whether we are conscious of it or not. And for so many years of our lives. But it was only in the recent years did I find it to be a lot harder than I thought it was. I started to feel guilt, disappointment and even anger, more frequently than ever before.
As the saying goes: practice makes perfect. So true in both sense — the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’. For years, I was practicing ‘bad actions’ and I was getting better and better at that. Thus, leading up to more intense negative emotions. To me, ‘good actions’ mean actions which align with our moving-towards values, ‘bad actions’ means reactions which align with our moving-away values. (these terms are from Tony Robbins’ book “Awaken the Giant Within”)
Part 1: Values & belief system
What are moving-towards values?
Means vs end values
Quoted from Tony Robbins: Pursue end values, not means values. Family and money are examples of means values to love which is an end value. Resonating deeply to what Tony Robbins mentioned: so often people are too busy pursuing means values that they don’t achieve their true desire — their ends values. That’s why we are chasing goals after goals and still not feel satisfied. It’s a phenomenon of not knowing our enough — our end values, and when to actually start giving genuinely.
Abundance mindset
It’s not about achieving more, instead, try to think in the perspective that life in itself is always about living (and acting) within the boundaries of the limitlessness of your end values. Why the paradox? Within each value there is a boundary — any action that’s not exhibiting this value is outside this boundary. However, within this boundary, the possibilities are endless. That’s the idea of abundance. For example, one of my biggest end values is love. For every action that I take, I’ll ask myself: Is this loving? This checks if the action is within the boundary of love.
List and prioritise
The only ‘issue’ is that we don’t have just one value we live by. With so many moving-towards values, it’s important to prioritise — especially in the case that 2 actions ‘contradict’ each other in terms of values. For example, when I made the decision to go a vegetarian diet that’s free from processed foods, I was prioritising my most important value — health/vitality, over fun/happiness. Because it involves saying no to my friends when it comes to eating out, drinking, partying etc.
Another more ‘difficult’ action is making the decision to be consistent in writing blog posts like this — due to the closeness in priority of my values. Making sure my blog post comes out looking or sounding intelligent (3rd on my list) is lower on my priority than to give love/warmth (2nd on my list) to anyone reading it. So hitting the ‘post’ button is a lot easier now than before being clear on my values priority.
My most updated moving-away values:
- Health/vitality
- Love/warmth
- Intelligence
- Cheerfulness
- Honesty
- Passion
- Gratefulness
- Fun/happiness
- Making a difference
- Learning/growing
- Achieving
- Doing my best
- Investing
- Contribution
- Creativity
It took me a few days to be settled with this list. But it’s well worth it. Innately, we have our list. However, we are just not clear about their priority and find ourselves stuck when making hard decisions. Having your list written out clearly, taking genuine actions will feel a lot easier. You’ll never feel tired of chasing goals after goals and asking yourself if anything you’ve done is too much or too little. As long as it contributes to your end values, you’re good. You’ll feel lightness.
What are moving-away values?
If moving-towards values are values you always contribute to, then moving-away values are values you avoid. Keep it’s boundary as small as possible, taking up as little space in your hearts and minds as much possible.
Two sides to a coin
Like how there are 2 sides to a coin. Pleasure and pain. For every decision and action, we’re weighing the pros and cons, pleasure and pain factors. Whether we are conscious of it or not. The existence of moving-away values help us avoid pain. Even when it comes to NOT taking an action.
List and prioritise
As Tony Robbins mentioned, moving-towards and moving-away values may contradict each other. Because, in the process of contributing to a moving-towards value, it may come with some form of moving-towards values. For example, ‘achieving’ and ‘failure’. Achievement naturally comes with failure. In fact, failure is almost like the prerequisite to achievement. If both are high up on their respective lists, it may come to a point when one also avoids wanting to achieve due to the fear of failure. Avoid self-sabotage. But if failure is ranked lower on the list, deciding to take the risk will feel a lot easier.
So rank them carefully — amongst themselves and comparing with your moving-towards values.
My most updated moving-away from values:
- Guilt
- Anger
- Stinginess
- Laziness
- Depression
- Rejection
- Failure
- Loneliness
- Frustration
Frustration vs anger
Frustration is directed towards myself vs anger is directed towards others. I’d rather feel frustrated at myself than to feel angry towards others. To me, whenever any fault happens, blaming others must be last on my list. Instead, having control over the situation — looking towards myself to change myself — is the best way forward. Thus, anger is higher up on this list — avoiding it more compared to frustration.
Belief system
Reaction vs action
When we are unaware of what actually happens, we tend to react. Its a shortcut — stimulus then reaction. However, if we come to realise the missing link — our beliefs and values — then we are able to act more genuinely. Every action we take comes from an underlying belief. As explained above, values are apart of it.
Furthermore, we have assumptions and judgements based on our own life experiences. For example, money. Some people link money to ego, control, power. Others link money to security and love. All these could be because of what our parents tell us, the environment which we are brought up in, the people we hang out with etc.
Thus, reactions are actions we take when we are unaware of our underlying beliefs, values, assumptions and judgements. Actions are when we are aware of our underlying empowering beliefs and values.
Questions to ask for empowering beliefs
- How do they empower you?
- How do they strengthen your life?
Questions to ask for disempowering beliefs
- How is this belief ridiculous or absurd?
- Was the person I learned this belief from worth modelling in this area?
- What will it ultimately cost me emotionally if I don’t let go of this belief?
- What will it ultimately cost me in my relationships if I don’t let go of this belief?
- What will it ultimately cost me physically if I don’t let go of this belief?
- What will it ultimately cost me financially if I don’t let go of this belief?
- What will it cost my family/loved ones if I don’t let go of this belief?
Action steps:
1. Pause. Do not act on impulse.
2. Notice your thoughts, emotions, feelings (mix of emotions).
What do you often say to yourself? What are your thoughts and self-dialogue about? How do you feel?
3. Question them. Why, why, why? So?
Why did I think that she should clean up the mess? Because she can
Why do I think that she can do? Because I expect her to.
Why do I expect her to do it? Because she made the mess, she should clean it.
Why? Because this would be how I’d do it if I made the mess…
Why can’t I do it then? Because this was MY underlying belief…
So? I should just help her clean it because it is a loving action.
Sometimes it’ll take MANY whys to realise your underlying belief. Keep questioning. Slowly, you’ll be able to disintegrate disempowering beliefs and build new empowering beliefs.
4. Do your homework.
Set aside some time (a few hours to a few days) to list and prioritise your moving-towards and moving-away values.
Strengthen empowering beliefs and weaken disempowering beliefs. Set aside time to write them down and question them.
5. Act with empowering beliefs and values.
Part 2: Vipassana
[Disclaimer: Vipassana is not a religious belief. Although it originates from Buddha, Buddhism itself teaches the art of living. It is the same for Vipassana. Thus, do not take this section as anything more than just me sharing how Vipassana has changed how I act more purely and genuinely.]
Vipassana explains the link between mind and body. If you think about it, it’s actually the link between beliefs and action. To give an analogy, part one is a body system, whereas part two is zoomed in to be able to see the organs and tissues involved in the system.
Vipassana technique explains that there are 3 types of actions — mental, verbal and physical. To many of us, physical action is the strongest. However, it is mental action that is truly the strongest and will be the one influencing the type of verbal or physical action we’ll take. In fact, verbal and physical actions cannot take place without mental thoughts.
1. Mental action (thoughts)
Your self-talk, judgements, beliefs, imagination, visualisation, memories…
This is the root for growing the next 2 types of action. Repetition will feed it, allowing it to grow more widespread and deep. And all these happen underneath and hidden — even from the person who planted the seed of thought. It starts small or may seem insignificant at first but without it, verbal and physical actions cannot happen.
Hence, mental actions set our intentions — be it good or bad.
2. Verbal action
Anything involving speaking out loud, audily or inaudibly.
It is when your urge is stronger and your thoughts need an outlet — be it for good or bad intentions. Visible buds starts to sprout.
3. Physical action
Anything involving the use of your body.
Similar to verbal action, physical action happens when your urge and thoughts are strong and you feel the need to let it go. Stem and leaves are visible now.
Our habit pattern of the mind
The 6 doors
Smell, taste, touch, hearing, sight and thoughts. These are the 6 doors allowing entrance into the body. Here is where we can understand the uniqueness of mind and body — how they are related but separate entities.
Without mind, the body is functionless. Without body, the mind cannot be nourished as it can’t act on anything, eventually becoming useless too.
Understand that a stimulus is simply an entry into your body will help you realise that it is not the cause of your action but rather how you perceive it and thus act on it.
Stimuli lead to the next junction: body sensations.
Body sensations
Every stimulus will lead to a body sensation whether we are conscious of it or not. Very subtle ones are noticed by our subconscious mind. On the other hand, intense and strong ones are noticed by our conscious mind.
Our conscious mind will always find short cuts, to do less work. So most changes in our body sensations has been delegated to our subconscious mind. Before feeling angry and bursting out, we will feel burning sensations — whether we are aware of it or not. Before feeling excitement, we will feel tingling sensations — whether we are aware of it or not.
Sensations are grouped into pleasant and unpleasant, subtle and intense.
Vibrations, tingling, flow and flux are some examples of pleasant sensations. Burning, pain, soreness are some examples of unpleasant sensations. Subtle sensations are noticed by our subconscious mind. Intense sensations are noticed by our conscious mind.
Subconsciously or consciously, in an impure mind, sensations lead to craving or aversion.
Craving and aversion (the root of suffering)
Pleasant sensations lead to craving. Wanting more of it, greed, clinging.
Unpleasant sensations lead to aversion. Avoidance, hatred, escape.
The more we act out of craving and aversion, it becomes a habit. We become unconscious and unaware of how we feel, in terms of body sensations, we just react. For example, when someone slaps you, the sensations you feel (the pain itself may basically be the same sensation you subconsciously feel when you’re angry) will cause you to react out of anger. It’s not the slap that’s causing you to feel anger. But how you perceive the slap to be, which cause you to feel burning sensations and anger erupts.
Chain of events for aversion: slap —> pain sensation —> burning sensation —> anger
Chain of events for craving: beautiful view —> tingling sensation —> happiness —> clinging
Reversing the habit pattern of the mind
Vipassana is teaching us to break this habit pattern of the mind at the level of body sensations. Because it is impossible to stop it at the stimulus level. To not have senses and mental thought is basically a walking dead. Thus, the next logical option to look at is the level of body sensations.
A pure (and genuine) action is one without craving or aversion. It is equanimous — balanced.
Action steps:
1. Awareness of body sensations
Vipassana is teaching us to be aware of our body sensations. Only when we are aware, that we can start to reverse the deep rooted habit pattern of the mind which we have built for so many years of our lives. Once we start to realise, through awareness of body sensations, that our mind and body are 2 very different things, we start the process of ego-dissolving and detachment.
Before acting out, pause for a moment. Notice your body sensations. What do you feel? Warm or cold? Burning or tingling? Piercing pain or aching pain? Wavelets or vibrations? You don’t even need to put a name to the sensation, just be aware.
2. Equanimity — balance of the mind
It means having no craving or aversion. Vibrations? Yea, it’s just vibrations. Pain? Yea, it’s just pain. Perceive the sensation as nothing more than itself. No craving for more, for it to last longer. No hating the pain and wanting it to disappear.
Sounds much easier said than done. It’s because it requires the understanding of impermanence.
3. Impermanence
Nothing lasts forever. Material things get discoloured and broken. Relationships drift, gained and lost. Skills are gained and lost. We are learning and forgetting. Our hair turns grey. My point is: In every moment, things are changing.
Is there a point to crave and be attached to things after realising the fact that it will eventually change to another form or even be completely lost?
Is there a point to be averse to things, to hate, avoid and react negatively, after realising that it will eventually be changed to another form?
This is when you are able to act equanimously, based on your moving-towards values, rather than react with craving or aversion, your moving-away values.
4. Meditate
And finally, all the above steps will only truly make sense after when you’re practicing Vipassana meditation. It’s a meditation technique of self-transformation through self-observation. Practicing it is going deeper into our subconscious mind where we are able to sense the subtlest of body sensations. Sharpening this part of our mind is sharpening awareness. And only with awareness can we have the ability to reverse our normal habit pattern of the mind.
How I used both parts
I hope you’ve realised how the 2 parts link and how both are equally important. They build upon each other. If you think about it, part one (values & belief system) is just the skeletal structure, part 2 (Vipassana) contains both the skeletal and all the other body systems. Part 1 helps you understand part 2. Level 1 vs level 2.
I started with being more clear with my values and beliefs by writing them out and realising how my beliefs affect so many areas of my life. Took me a few weeks to finally settle with a list of moving-towards and moving-away values. Then I started weakening my disempowering beliefs and strengthening my empowering beliefs.
“It’s your decisions NOT your conditions that determine your destiny!” — I strengthened this belief by taking any little action I can within my circumstance to accomplish my goals such as going for more solo trips which led me to be here in Romania studying veterinary medicine.
“My life is not interesting enough to be writing blogs about it.” — I weakened this belief by first telling myself that if I can just help one person, that’s more than enough. I then became more open to share my blog with my friends. From their positive feedback, I am weakening this very belief.
But since I’ve started on Vipassana meditation (went for a 10 days meditation course), everything else just makes a lot more sense. A lot more lightness all through my life and now I do feel like I’m flowing with the flow of life rather than against it. It must be experienced (the 10 days course!) to really understand what I mean by ‘lightness’.
Ending words
Since I’ve started practicing taking more intentional and equanimous actions, I’ve been feeling lightness rather than dense, intense and cloudy emotions that come with reacting.
Take one step at a time. There may be days when you feel like you’re back to square one, you’re not. You’re just more aware of how you feel and that’s great!
Keep working. To be honest, I’ve only started to feel a more permanent shift in my state of mind and being able to take truly genuine actions after 8 months of starting on this journey. Patience is key. Don’t rush it.
Go slow. Stay present. Be mindful. Celebrate your little wins!