My 21st birthday just passed on the 13th February 2022. My birthdays had never really been a big event for me. It was always the usual – birthday song, birthday cake and family dinner. Occasionally, there would be birthday surprises and receiving nice presents. As years passed, my thoughts on birthdays changed a lot – I’d gladly say it’s for the better.
When I was a child, I saw birthdays as a ‘right’. I expected presents, surprises, love and attention. As a young teenager, I saw birthdays as a chance to show how much your friends and family love you – your ‘social standing’. At 15 years old, I saw my birthday as a chance to thank my mom for giving birth to me, a little breakthrough I’d say. And from then on, I started writing cards for my mom on my birthdays. Gradually, I regarded my birthdays less and less significantly. They started to feel less special. I treated it more or less like another passing day.
This year feels especially different. I’ve decided to change 3 things about the way I celebrate my future birthdays, and hope you’d do it too!
1. Celebrate it!
Be enthusiastic, excited and energetic about it! Remember the 3 Es! There’s nothing wrong in truly celebrating your birthday! It is a day meant to be celebrated. Being extremely happy/excited once in a while is actually healthy. It’ll boost your energy and create a lasting memory for yourself and the people around you!
We, humans, want and need to be loved – it is one of the greatest motivations in our lives. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to let your friends/ loved ones know that it is your birthday. Who knows, you may reconnect with a friend you have lost contact with.
Let your birthday be an excuse for you to travel, spend time with family or friends and do something you have always wanted to do but have been on the backburner. You can create a might-do list, and that can be the things you do on your birthday! Your birthday only comes once a year, celebrate till you drop!
2. Take the chance to reflect.
I know it may sound boring but you may be surprised with how much joy and satisfaction it’ll give you. You don’t have to do it on the day itself – at least you do it!. Ideally, it is best done before your special day, so that you know your reason/purpose in truly enjoying that day! But I’m actually doing it now, which is a week after my birthday.
Look back to a year, 3 years or 5 years ago, see how far you have come. Celebrate how much you have grown. This year especially, I decided to focus on what adulthood really means to me, the importance of celebration/appreciation and living life with no regrets. 21 years old, to me, feels like I’m entering a whole new different world. Big decisions, difficult life challenges and exciting experiences awaits me. Nothing wrong with feeling this way, it is more or less a mental preparation for myself. That’s the beauty of reflection! You look back and celebrate your wins, see where you are now and refine your plans for your future. It’ll give you a little boost to where you want to be.
3. Show appreciation to my parents.
They have provided me with a safe and loving home to grow up in. They are not perfect (neither am I) but they always mean the best. This applies to any of your loved one/guardian/caretaker. Show appreciation for all the sacrifices they have made for you to be where you are now. People tend to forget the good and ingrain in their memories the bad experiences and disagreements (negative bias). Make it intentional, showing appreciation to others will fine tune your brain to remember the good. It’ll bring a lot more happiness to your life!
I’ve been writing a card for my mom on my birthdays since I was 15 years old. It’s to commemorate the day she suffered so much just to give birth to me. When she gave birth to me, she was so anaemic that her blood was literally pink instead of red and she was in critical condition. No epidural or pain relief – it was pure natural birth. How can I disregard that day when she endured so much pain? I’ll continue this tradition of writing a card/letter to my mom on my birthdays. But something different from next year on is showing appreciation to my dad as well. He plays such a big role in allowing me to be who I am now.
Depending on your personality and dynamics with parents, showing appreciation can come in many forms. Writing a card is one way, gift giving, spending quality time and doing exciting things together are other ways. The list is endless.
I’m still thinking how I’m going to show appreciation to my dad but I know he’ll be happy doing anything novel with our family.
Okay, moving on…
I’m 21 years old, now what? This thought has been with me since the start of this year and it is especially probing now that my birthday has passed. I’ve collated some of my most significant life lessons and reminders that I feel can be helpful to anyone trying to get closer to where they want to be (and particularly important to me now that I’m 21 years old).
1. Read books.
The thing about reading books is that it opens up your eyes and mind to different thought processes from authors of myriad backgrounds. It allows you to think from a different perspective and that brings so many wonders to your life. Many times, when we are stuck, feeling lost or confused, we just need to see things from a different viewpoint. The beauty of reading books is that you can collate learning points from different authors/books, to create a thought process of your own. For example, there are so many habits books out there. After reading many of them, I was able to sift out the things that I would add to my life that identify with my core values and lifestyle.
Make reading a part of your life, be open to unique viewpoints, try different techniques proposed to see if they suit you. Even fiction books can exercise some part of your imaginative brain and that can subconsciously change the way you see or create things.
2. Create good habits and routines.
Our days, weeks and years go by with our habits and routines which many of us are not aware of. Daily habits and routines may seem insignificant in the short run but they will have a compounding effect over the long run. That makes building good habits so important.
For the many successful people we know, it may seem like they had an overnight success. However, we do not know what they do on their daily basis to lead them to where they are now. That’s the secret to their ‘overnight’ success. Steve Jobs would look in the mirror every morning and ask himself: ‘If today was the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ When he shared this, he had done it for 33 years.
You have to be used to the boredom of routines and show up for yourself even though you don’t feel like it. That’s how successful athletes show up to train daily and have the exact same routines right before their training and big competitions. Show up when you feel inspired or not.
Being successful and reaching where you want to be can be boring and mundane. Occasionally adding challenges or something attractive can boost your motivation. But I’m here just to remind you that boredom is perfectly normal and setting good habits is crucial to reach your breakthrough eventually – be it 1 year, 5 years or 20 years. Consistency is key.
3. It is never too late or too early to get started.
The only reason why you would ever think it’s too late or early to get started is because you are comparing yourself with others. You compare your current age or circumstance with another person’s. However, everyone has a different life story, experiences and circumstances. Create your own story. The only person you should be comparing yourself with is the person you were yesterday. I only realised this last year. When you think of it, start NOW.
Be humble to learn from others, to see how YOU can improve. There’s a difference between comparing yourself with others and learning from others. One is a negative way of learning – by bashing yourself, another is a positive way of learning – looking at the positives in others and finding ways to add/tweak it into the life that you want, which suits you. And it’s always the positive that would make a lasting impact.
4. If it does not matter in 5 years, do not spend 5 minutes of your life being upset.
That being said, it means don’t waste time caring about the little things that do not matter in the long run. There are a lot of things that are out of our control but we still think about it, which becomes an endless cycle, leading us to overthink and be worried or upset.
I’m sure you had days when you made mistakes and others criticised you. Instead of overthinking about what others thought of you and how their impression of you might have changed, think about how you can correct that mistake and solve the problem. Act on things you can control. Look at the bigger picture, not the minute little things that would not matter or you have no control of. When you are able to bravely admit to your mistakes and solve the problem creatively, you will naturally gain respect. When you think big, the small things will flow in together with the big things. So don’t waste time trying to think about how you can get the small things.
What should I wear today so that people don’t think I lack fashion sense? Instead ask: How can I allow myself to always feel confident in what I wear without spending more than 5 minutes every day choosing my outfit? (I’ve found my answer to this – minimalism and owning clothes you truly love.)
What would people think of me if I posted this photo? Instead ask: Is this post helping anyone in their life?
What should my caption be so that I don’t sound like a try-hard? Instead ask: How can I express myself well in writing so that I can make a positive impact on someone’s life?
I’ve just made a mistake, what would people think of me now? Instead ask: How can I apologise sincerely and creatively solve the problem?
5. See the good in everyone. Understand, show appreciation and never criticise.
This blog post titled ‘6 Big Reasons You Should Only See The Best In Others‘ summarised this point to perfection.
Nobody is born bad. Everyone is born with the potential to be good. ‘Bad’ people just haven’t developed their good qualities yet. Nobody is 100% bad nor 100% good. All of us have our good points and flaws. So why waste time focusing on other’s flaws when it’ll only bring you down – you feel upset, angry and disappointed. Life is way too short to dislike people, it’s not worth it.
I’ve disliked a few people in my life. Some were rude. Others were just self-centred. Now that I think about it, my feelings towards them were all just in my head. They have so many good qualities in them but I failed to see them, I only saw what my head chose to focus on – their flaws.
See only the good in people and ignore the bad. It’ll make you happier. When you understand this point, you’ll learn to see things from another person’s perspective. You’ll slowly be able to practice this principle of being generous with sincere appreciation and never criticising. People crave to feel important, to be loved and appreciated. Criticism will only cause people to be defensive. Taking this into action, you not only become a happier person, people would love to be around you! Your positivity will flow through to the people around you, and people will enjoy being with you. It’ll bring so many opportunities in your life, bringing you to success.
“One must see in every human being only that which is worthy of praise. When this is done, one can be a friend to the whole human race.”
– Abdu’l-Bahá
6. Take action. Start small.
Many people think that they must feel ready to do something before taking action. However, the opposite is true. Only when you take action, then you’ll be ready. Action will boost your confidence, provide evidence that you can do it (when you thought you couldn’t) and strengthen your identity to become who you want to be. Action will naturally be followed by emotions. When you smile, you will naturally be happier. Instead of trying to control your emotions which is much harder, control your actions and let your emotions flow. That’s why showing up for yourself is so important, showing up even when you don’t feel like it.
And the secret to taking action is to start small. For example, if you want to be a more cheerful person, start by smiling to bus drivers, then saying thank you with a smile then do it to cleaners, receptionists, waitresses. Start a gratitude journal. Then, start making an effort to remember people’s names, initiating conversations, being genuinely interested in others, giving praise and never criticising.
7. Live the true to your purpose.
We all live for a reason, deep down we all have a purpose. That purpose should be overarching our daily actions, decisions and goals. If we don’t define our purpose clearly to ourselves, we would slowly find that we lack happiness and motivation in a lot of the things we do. Whenever you doubt your decision, relook at your purpose and see if it aligns with your decision.
To find your purpose is to look at who you want to be – your identity. It can be a mantra, principles or rules. Keep it short and sweet. My current purpose is to make a positive change to people and animals’ lives with my passion in veterinary medicine.
It should be broad but clear. Don’t be too rigid on your identity as it can be unhealthy. It should be flexible so that your identity can grow as you grow as a person. Identities like ‘I want to be a loving mother’ or ‘I want to be a respectable professional tennis player’ may be too specific. What if you are no longer a mother due to the death of your child? What if you lose your arms and are unable to compete professionally? Does it mean you lose your purpose to keep living? ‘I desire to positively impact youths by being a loving motherly figure’ and ‘I desire to positively impact the lives of others through my love for tennis’ may be an identity that is healthy for yourself and others.
Zooming in on your purpose is to have values and morals you live by. Never compromise with them. Are you hiding some things from others that you are not proud to admit? They might be contradicting your values. I write my values and purpose on the first page of my journal and review them annually, earlier if needed. They serve as a reminder to be true to who I want to be. Below is my personal mission statement inspired after reading ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey.
My Personal Mission Statement:
– Succeed at home first.
– Be genuinely interested in other people.
– Be a good listener.
– Don’t criticise, condemn or complain.
– Give honest, sincere appreciation.
– Don’t fear mistakes, fear only the absence of creative, constructive and corrective responses.
– Concentrate on the task at hand, give your 100%, if not don’t do it at all.
– Have courage to follow your heart and intuition.
– Everyday is a learning opportunity, seize these opportunities.
8. Be a child. Be curious, fun and light-hearted.
It’s all about perspective. Two people doing the same thing at the same place, with the same abilities, financial and social status may have completely different responses. One may find the activity extremely dreadful, another may find it enjoyable.
The best perspective is to look at things from a child’s view. Be inquisitive yet humble, be light-hearted yet kind. To make something fun, try to give full concentration on the task at hand. Fun does not mean it has to be enjoyable, it could be fun because it is challenging, meaningful or simply holds your attention.
9. There’s no such thing as mistakes. They are merely learning moments.
For all the successful people we know, did they reach where they are now smoothly with no setbacks? I assure you, they have way more failures and made a lot more mistakes in their life than the average person. However, these people see failures differently. They see it as a chance to find out what does not work for them, what they lack in and improve from there. They see it as an opportunity to make change. They know that they are at least a step closer to where they want to be – even if it was the wrong step taken in the wrong direction.
Grit is another word I learnt recently from someone I look up to. It’s from the book ‘Grit’ by Angela Duckworth (as of writing, I have yet to read the book but will be reading it soon!). It is defined as having the passion and perseverance, especially for long term goals. I would like to quote what Angela Duckworth said in one of her talks, “If ‘genius’ is working with all of your heart on something that you love, that’s endlessly fascinating to you then I would say dad, you are a genius, so am I, and so can everyone be, if they choose to be.”
“Don’t fear mistakes – fear only the absence of creative, constructive and corrective responses.”
– Stephen Covey, author of ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’
10. Stop living within your limits.
You never know what your true limit is until you push it. Try new things, take on challenges, hone new skills and develop your passion/purpose in life.
Live beyond your limits. We have the ability to expand and be better no matter where we are in life. We have yet to tap on many of our unused assets. There are many unknown things outside our comfort zone that we have yet to know or experience.
If you relate a lot to this post, you may be interested in my blog post on ‘Why 20s is the best phase of your life’! Happy reading!